Rewrite your money story.

The sun is shining here in San Francisco, and I am perched up on my chair next to my window getting sun drunk while I write you this money love letter.

I have been in research mode as I gear up for the new 2022 year. Can you believe?!

I have been thinking about better ways to serve. Well, what's funny about this kind of work is that it certainly feels like a calling.

Six years ago on November 7th, my father unexpectedly died. That day is when I was called to this work. Knowing how precious and fragile life is, I decided to live bolder and braver.

Financial liberation for all became my life's mission. It still is.

So, I have spent the last couple of weeks reflecting on what that means.

Now, I am going to put myself on blast. I am an expert in this field. I have worked in the financial wellness and career development fields over the last 5+ years.

Yet, I look at my bank accounts, spreadsheets, monthly expenses, and pricing/offerings for my business and at times, I feel abundant.

But there are other times where I feel so much scarcity and start behaving in ways that AFFIRM I am scarce. For me, it's usually undervaluing myself by undercharging or giving away my time/expertise for free.

But something shifted these last couple of weeks. My therapist was the first to bring up that I was undervaluing myself and my services. That turned into a ripple effect. I began to listen to more podcasts about confidence and self worth. I started a couple of books that encouraged me to raise my rates and re-evaluate my pricing. Boundaries and also saying “no” a lot came up as well.

For example, as a financial expert, I have a lot of friends and family members expecting to get free advice and old Stella would've been so focused on being “helpful” and “nice” but not anymore. My boundaries are strong.

This got me thinking. I was changing my behavior to reflect that I DO in fact value myself and my offerings because I surrounded myself with people, businesses, podcasts, books, and other things that affirmed that.

Take this Stanford University School of Medicine study. Researches studied 240 children ages seven to 10 and found that being positive improved their ability to answer math problems, increased their memories and enhanced problem-solving abilities. They also used MRI brain scans to map the neurological effects of positivity.

Their study affirmed that positivity does, in fact, open up more opportunities for children to do well.

Now I am not about toxic positivity and emotionally bypassing your experience. I think the key here is to acknowledge and hold space for your emotions, but to take action as best to your ability from a place of awareness, clarity, compassion, and self worth.

Another healing shift I began to think about and embody is that I am not scarce. I am not broke. The numbers show me that I AM abundant.

So why have I felt like I am living in scarcity and “can't afford” things? Where is this noise coming from?

I looked at my identities. I am queer, nonbinary, first generation, femme, and mixed filipinx/european.

What is the messaging (and experience) that reaches the community I am in (QTBIPOC)?

That we need to assimilate. Keep our heads down. Work hard for the bread crumbs and be grateful. That we are bad with money and are meant to live a life of being broke and/or in poverty. That money, wealth, and success are NOT for us. That we have to martyr ourselves. That we have to EARN our humanity and ability to thrive!

That is bullshit.

I had surrounded myself with incredible QTBIPOC mentors who are financially thriving. Folks that have gone through absolute shit due to the systemic issues not just in the United States but throughout the world.

They are abundant. Successful (in their own definition). Wealthy. Most importantly, they are living a life with as much agency as they can and reimagining and LEADING the path for a more equitable, thriving, and just economy.

I invite you to listen to this illuminating podcast episode by Hello Seven with Rachel Rodgers and Rachel Cargle. There is a wealth (pun intended) of wisdom here.

A part of My Gold Standard's calling is to “rewrite your money story.”

How will you start rewriting your money story?

And if you already have started…

How will you continue?

Abundance is in my blood.

I come with so much wisdom from my ancestors. This month is Filipinx American History Month. It is no accident that this is the month I unraveled something entirely new about my ancestors, specifically my Lola Nanay (translated as grandmother).

What my own mother has told me about her upbringing in the Philippines is that she grew up in poverty and that her mother would always make sure her kids were fed before feeding herself. She watched her own mother go days without eating a meal. She shared with me that her mother worked so hard to provide. She glamorized her mother martyring herself.

“She always put other's first,” she'd say.

She never shared with me what my Lolo Tatay (grandfather) did. Just that they all experienced extreme poverty.

I want to give a trigger warning to this next part.

My mother told me my Lola Nanay died because she fell down the stairs. It's quite excruciating. My mother was the one who found her, and she embracing my Lola Nanay in her arms and held her as she died.

She told me that while she was holding her, she could feel how weak she was after all those days she went without eating food. She carried this guilt around with her, and this has showed up in how she has moved through her own life and financial wellbeing.

I'm not here to talk about my mother's story. That will be for another time.

About two weeks ago, I had dinner with my cousin. We started talking about our family and she shared with me an entirely different story about my Lola Nanay.

“She was a complete and total bad ass. When her father died, she became the matriarch of the family. She managed all the finances, hustled hard, and worked at incredible jobs at the university and even for a famous politician!”

My Lola was also kidnapped by Philippine rebels because she was the only person who knew the code to the politician's safe - which was filled with money. They tied her up against a coconut tree, threatened to kill her if she didn't give up the code, and guess what?

She refused.

Total. Bad. Ass. She luckily was rescued!

She also shared that she married my Lolo Taytay, who was also a wealthy man and came from a wealthy family. (They owned a mango farm)

I don't know the entire story about him. What I do know is that he never worked a day in his life due to his inheritance, and he ended up spending all the money, leaving his own family with nothing.

I found this interesting, because while my cousin did share our family did experience extreme poverty - it was not always like that.

My Lola held down the fort for her own siblings and then, her own children. She was abused by her father, who she also watched abuse her own mother. Inspite of all of that…

She was incredibly resilient.

I share this story because there is so much wisdom here.

I could take this story and internalize the poverty they all experienced (this is what my mother did) and make it into my identity.

Or, I could take this story and embrace the wisdom.

The wisdom that my ancestors were also abundant at a time. They were also incredibly bad ass and GOOD with money. They were smart, resilient, and resourceful. If my Lola embodied this at a time in her life, I know that it came from a long maternal line of incredible human beings.

Abundance is in my blood. Resilience is in my blood. Royalty is in my blood.

I could not be more proud to be Filipinx. I feel very grateful to be learning (and unlearning) the things my ancestors experienced and carried with them.

I invite you to get curious about your own ancestors and your lineage. Learn about your history. Yes, understanding trauma (i.e. poverty) is important. But also, understanding wisdom is too.

I would absolutely love to hear about what you find. Just hit the reply button on this email.

Thank you for being in kapwa with me. In my language, it means the unity of the ‘self’ and ‘others’.

What a beautiful space that is.

Make room for nuance in money.

I have been having quite a bit of complex conversations about making money, having money, not having money, and the economic systems we coexist in. I asked myself the following questions and I invite you to ask them to yourselves as well:

Are you afraid of not having money?

Or, are you really afraid of having money?

In my work as a financial educator, most people fear the latter. I've been more and more curious as to why that is and have asked a couple of people: clients, friends, colleagues, who have the fear of generating wealth. Below is what they shared.

“I don't want to become driven by greed and power. I fear I will be like those people.”

“Capitalism is so exploitive, and I don't want to be a part of an exploitive system.”

“I would be so overwhelmed if I had so much money. I wouldn't even know what to do with it. I rather just have enough for my basic needs.”

“I feel like I don't deserve to have money when there is so much financial suffering and trauma around me.”

These are real things that people share with me. I have, and sometimes still do, feel this way as well. This is why I want to make room for nuance when it comes to money and the economic system we live in (i.e. Capitalism).

Dr. Tamsin Lee, a health justice consultant and Founder of Influential Point, shared on Instagram:

“The binary misconception of capitalism leads us to forget the complexity of existing in capitalist countries - it shames us into believing we need to suffer.”

That last part, the shame. So much shame in even having a nuanced discussion about how we can thrive in capitalism, let alone exist.

I've shared in previous money love letters that I do not believe in the binary thinking about how capitalism is the problem of all this suffering. Capitalism, along with other economic systems (and money itself) are inherently neutral.

It is the people behind these systems that are not neutral.

People are afraid to generate wealth because they are afraid to benefit from capitalism. But truthfully, when we…

• martyr ourselves financially by giving away money we don't have

• undercharge by pricing our services low

• work for “free”

• take on other's financial responsibilities that we are in no place to take on

• make enough money just for our own basic needs, without considering our neighbor(s)

have you ever thought that maybe, capitalism is actually benefiting from you?

What we tend to miss is that martyring, that suffering is precisely a part of the system we all want to resist.

Of course, this is all very nuanced which is why I want to make more room for more of that nuance, more of that complexity as to how we can coexist in capitalism. This is not to shame or blame, but more to get curious and reflect.

I do want to transform capitalism, and transform any economic system that is rooted in exploitive practices and shame. I want to see everyone here, especially QTBIPOC, thriving abundantly.

I believe it is possible that we, as a collective, can do that.

Because when we cultivate wealth and financial wellbeing for ourselves, it radiates collectively. When we look at money beyond just meeting our “basic needs” we can redistribute the wealth we have, without martyring ourselves in the process, and take care of one another.

I want to share Resource Generation's Transformative Investment Principles and invite you to read over each principle. Feel free to reply to this email and share what resonates (or doesn't) with you. Each principle hits home for me and brings me so much joy to see that there are folks out there re-imagining an economic system that is restorative, abundant, and nourishing for all.

May you reclaim abundance, for yourself, for your neighbor(s), and for your ancestors.

Abundance is our birthright.

I had a lot on my mind this morning, mostly reflecting on the word “need” and what that means to people. To our culture. To society. To our world.


I was thinking about white supremacy and colonization, and how having needs was really rooted in being self sufficient. It's okay to have needs, as long as you provide those needs for yourself. When you need something from another person, or the government, or a system you are vulnerable and it's “stupid” to be vulnerable. That's why you got to think about yourself and for yourself. Everyone out for themselves. Because giving away MY resources, that I earned and created for myself, means that I will become vulnerable and less able to survive.


I believe that thought process is wrong. Obviously when you are in a position where you are barely keeping the lights on, I recommend that you focus on putting your own mask on first before you put a mask on your neighbor (this feels different now with the pandemic, phew!).


But this is not what I am talking about.


What I am talking about is hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, preaching that we are only responsible for ourselves, by ourselves.

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We need each other.

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Now, more than ever.


Whenever I have a curiosity about human behavior, I relate it to Mother Nature. How does our Mother Earth take care?


I invite you to watch this little nerdy gem of a video about how majestic fungi is and it's symbiotic relationship with trees and other forms of plant life. I read in the comments that they dubbed this relationship "the giving tree effect" and it felt fitting.


We all have needs and one of those needs is each other. Plants need oxygen. Plants need air. Plants need water. And, plants need the sun. They also need each other, like the fungi and the trees.


If nature does this and we are one with nature, why do we preach self sufficiency so much?


I am a part of a wealth redistribution circle, and in our group we have been discussing a lot about money and how in this society, it has to be “earned." Why? Why do you have to earn and prove that you are worthy of money to take care of your basic needs?


Here's the thing: we can totally afford to take care of one another.


For example, according to the Department of Housing and Urban Development, it would cost $20 billion to end homelessness in the United States.


But Americans spend more than $35 billion a year on gym memberships.


And, the U.S. government spent around $718 billion on its military in 2019!


We have the money. But, it's how it's allocated.


We get angry and condemn billionaires. We condemn the government. We look to them to solve our problems. And sure, they are a part of the problem.


But what we miss is that WE can be the solution to so much lack, so much scarcity.


The power is really in us. There are 325 million people in America—in 160 million households, as viewed by the Internal Revenue Service.


That means 1.6 million households fall into the 1 percent category.


There are more of us than the 1%.

The 1%'s got to do their part to, absolutely.


However, we have to start believing in ourselves to make the changes we want to see. As a collective.


So, I ask you: If you have your mask on already (I hope you're still with me with this metaphor), are you using the rest of your wealth to create glimmers of change? How are you redistributing your wealth?


Money can be healing. If we allow one another to provide for one another, to need one another, to give and receive from one another…


the world would be very different today.


I want to start looking at abundance on a collective level.


A friend of mine says, abundance is your birthright.


I also believe, abundance is OUR birthright, too.

On financial literacy bypassing.

If I haven't mentioned this before, I am currently obtaining my facilitator license to officially be a trauma-informed financial educator. 🎉In our class this week, we discussed the many disparities QTBIPOC face when it comes to their financial wellbeing. From slavery to redlining, predatory loans, subprime mortgages, and sadly the list goes on…there is a lot of work to do.

My teacher shared a term called “financial literacy bypassing” which is something I have grappled with for being in the industry for years now. I have always felt that financial advice is emotionally and spiritually bypassing, and the education that most individuals receive in regards to their financial wellbeing can be dismissive of your financial situation and/or experiences. Not everyone has the privilege to automate their savings. Not everyone has the privilege in their current financial situation to save for an emergency fund. Not everyone has the privilege to even open a high yield savings account. The shame that wreaks havoc in not being able to do these things can be lethal to ones financial wellbeing. 

A past client of mine said there was no point in investing in her financial wellbeing because it quite literally was impossible. At the time, she could not do any of the things she was advised to do when it came to her finances so she felt defeated. Her previous advisor told her to get on a budget and cut out things that are not “necessities”. I looked at her spending and she was already spending on JUST her basic needs. 

Hate to break it to most financial advisors out there, but I am not one to put someone on a strict rice, beans, and cup of noodles only diet. 

In her case, this was not a spending issue. This financial advisor was not attuned to her financial needs and to be honest, they aren't taught to be! This was an income issue, which most financial issues stem from. Our focus was getting her a higher paying salary, which she did and guess what?

She's living her best financial life now, has an emergency fund (I like to call these Freedom Funds), and can automate her saving goals easily and effortlessly. 

But most importantly, our collective goal wasn't to have these privileges. That was of course, a part of it. However, our collective goal to her financial life was that she feels empowered, secure, and at peace. That is true financial wellbeing right there.

Because you can have these privileges and still feel anxious, shame, and fear when it comes to your finances. 

No matter where you are at in your finances, you are worthy of the fullness that financial wellbeing can bring to your life.

I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. You are. 

What is scarcity, really?

I have to admit, I have not been moving into my days slowly as I usually do. This last week, my morning ritual has been neglected but I am receiving myself as I am and trying not to put any pressure on myself to be anywhere but here.

Here is an okay place to be. It's glorious outside. The sun is shining. I am focusing on my breathing, making sure I am taking up as much oxygen as I can. I am writing, a lot. In a way, this money love letter is a ritual for me to share what has been ruminating in my mind, heart, and spirit around money and even, how it manifests in my body.

Today I gently invite you to face a word that can be very alarming, uncomfortable, and at times triggering to see for some individuals. It certainly has been for me.

Because I always love pulling a definition, here it is below:

scar·ci·ty/ˈskersədē/

noun

1. the state of being scarce or in short supply; shortage.

I'm just going to say it outright. I call bullshit. The thing is, the experience of scarcity is very much real. But scarcity itself? It's an illusion.

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In fact, I believe that scarcity is propaganda for white supremacy.

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I am ready to get a lot of unsubscribes for that one. But hear me out. 

Scarcity being an illusion has been on my mind for years now. The idea that there is not enough for everyone to have all their basic needs met (which, in my opinion is access to enough food, water, shelter, money, healthcare, and education) is just not grounded in reality.

There is enough. I mean, think about it. How many empty buildings do you see in your city? I walked by an empty building in San Francisco the other day that has been vacant for ten years. TEN years. There is an abundance of food and water. Look at what happened in Flint, Michigan. The city switched its drinking water supply to “save” money. Did it actually save money? No! 

According to an article by The Guardian, the decision to switch the Michigan city’s drinking water source to the Flint River was aimed at saving $5 million but almost two years later the cost to treat the water supply carries a tag of $45 million.

Water wasn't actually “scarce,” it was the government who made the call to make a decision like this because of their scarcity mindset. That scarcity mindset is not based in reality. 

That scarcity is the propaganda for white supremacy that I am talking about. White supremacy wants to stay “supreme" and there is nothing more powerful than making people believe that the world is a very, very scarce place.

Now, what to do? I don't have all the answers, just thoughts. For the last couple of years in my work I have embraced what Louise Hay has been saying for quite some time: there is not a lack of resources, there is only a lack of love. 

I have people in my life resistant to seeing money in a way that could be loving, secure, kind, safe, generous, and like Edgar Villanueva says “medicine.” I completely get where they are coming from. I have been there. It took a long, long time for me to feel comfortable just being open to the idea that money could be all of those things.

Instead of trying to convince those around me to love money, or see it as medicine….I take more of a baby step approach and encourage those to see money as neutral to start. It's this thing that exists in our life. We are the ones that get to decide the value and meaning it has. Sometimes, that value and meaning changes from day to day.

A few questions that I'd love to leave you with:

• Have I made financial decisions from a place of scarcity?

• Why did I make those decisions?

• What was the result of that decision?

• How can you make financial decisions from a place of abundance?

Let me be clear that sometimes we do have to say no to things in order to say yes to yourself and your financial goals. This isn't about those times where you skipped out on going to dinner with friends for a third time that week. Think deeply about this. If you feel called to share, email me your answers. I am very curious to hear what comes up for you.

One day I would like to see a world that destroys the illusion of scarcity. I really do see so much abundance all around. What I wish to see is that those all around me will experience that abundance. 

It is your right to rest.

Has your employer ever prioritized your right to rest? I don't mean just offering PTO or saying that you should take a vacation. I mean, do they prioritize your right to rest every single day?

Since I quit my job at a start up, and start ups are NOTORIOUS for that work grind hustle let me tell you, I reexamined my relationship (or more so lack there of) to rest.

In fact, I was always rewarded and complimented for hustling, pushing myself, and achieving incredible metrics and results. I was used to working 12 to 15 hour days and excelling at it. Every company I have worked at found this impressive, but deep down inside, I was struggling. I knew this was not normal nor sustainable. When I took vacation, I attempted to rest but I couldn't mentally turn my brain off from work - I knew that when I got back to the office my inbox would be drowning in hundreds of emails.

One day, I got paired up with someone who soon after became my manager. We talked about those “incredible metrics” to which she responded, “So, when do you sleep?”

“When am I supposed to sleep?” I said. 

I shared with her that I have always worked this way. I am 10000000% hustling for majority of the year and then I am 1000000% burnt out for an entire month and can only will myself to do the bare minimum. I shared with her that I felt like I had no choice and there was certainly some truth to that. The company glorified the hustle.

She was the first person in my entire life that told me the way I was working is absolutely unacceptable and that I am entitled to rest and entitled to boundaries.

From that day forward, I implemented these boundaries. My metrics began to slip. I was told by higher ups that I needed to take on more work. I was no longer the super star. But you know what?

Their expectations were unrealistic. The expectations that I had internalized and put on myself, were unrealistic.

We are human and we have limitations. It is okay to have limitations!!! My goodness.

It wasn't until I quit that job and started my own company that I truly got to see what rest is. I made it my personal mission to embody REST and to surround myself with those that are in alignment with that mission, too.

June is my birthday month (cancer bb right here!) and also Pride month. I knew that I wanted to really slow down and focus on not only rest, but pleasure and joy! I went on two vacations that were absolutely so nourishing for my soul. I shared with a few friends that for the first time in my life I was able to be present and not freak out about what my inbox would look like when I got back. Just saying that out loud felt so surreal. I never thought in a million years I, Stella Gold, would be saying that.

I am grateful to finally be prioritizing my rest, my wellbeing. When I take care of myself, I take care of others. I am a better friend, business owner, partner, and human when I am well rested.

I want to highlight the Nap Ministry for their commitment to rest as liberation. To learn more about their incredible work check out For The Wild's podcast episode featuring Tricia Hersey, the Founder of the Nap Ministry. 

““To not rest is really being violent towards your body, to align yourself with a system that says your body doesn’t belong to you, keep working, you are simply a tool for our production…””

— Tricia Hersey

To rest is really to reclaim your body, to take back what is rightfully yours.

How are you prioritizing your rest?

And if you aren't, here I am passing along that message:

It is your right to rest. You are entitled to having limits. You are entitled to having boundaries.

Now go take a nap. ;)

Giving is less vulnerable than receiving.

I have been thinking a lot about receiving. The pandemic has been a time where I had to learn to really receive. When the pandemic first hit, my partner was laid off from his job and I was asked to take a pretty substantial pay cut. I remember feeling so anxious about the unknown. We had some savings, so I knew for at least three months we'd have runway which I am so grateful for and know is a privilege. Our financial coach at the time still recommended that we cut out as much as possible from our budget.

The biggest expense in our budget next to rent were my mental health bills. I can't tell you how much shame I had about that. I was going to therapy twice a week, which cost about $1,000 a month. I had pretty terrible thoughts about myself. “If I wasn't broken, we wouldn't be in the negative,” I'd think to myself every time I looked at our spreadsheet of bills.

That week I told my therapist my current financial situation and said that I couldn't afford to see her anymore. She responded immediately saying, “I will not allow that to even be an option.” She said that she would waive my sessions until we had a financial foundation again and that I don't need to worry about paying her until I'm back on my feet. Some of you reading this email know me relatively well, but for those who don't, receiving her generosity, reassurance, and comfort turned me into a complete sob fest.

I was so grateful, but I kept asking myself, “What did I do to deserve this?”

I share this because universally, we are taught to give even if it's detrimental to our financial wellbeing. We LOVE giving. It makes us feel good! Generous. I'd even stretch to say, powerful.

Think about how giving is portrayed culturally in the media. Usually the giver is someone who has the means to give, right? The receiver is powerless, someone who does not have the means. Someone who does not have power.

From my experience, that isn't true. I have worked with so many people, most of whom are QTBIPOC and/or from immigrant families, that give the most. Even when they don't have the means to.

There are many reasons for this: colonization, religion, systemic issues rooted from white supremacy where family members need financial support, unmet basic needs in their communities, the list goes on.

It is tough to set financial boundaries when giving is a means to survival. I do want to honor that because it is so complex. However, when we give when we do not have the means to, the cycle continues.

When I point this out to clients and suggest to have this next season be focused on receiving, they share how uncomfortable they are at the idea of receiving and prioritizing their financial wellbeing. I ask, “Why?” Each time, the answer is the same:

If we were to receive anything at all, it would have to be because we “earned” it or did something to “deserve” it.

I think back to my session with my therapist when I am met with this resistance from a client, because I have that same resistance within myself. I eventually asked my therapist what I asked myself that day, “What did I do to deserve this?”

She responded, “You didn't have to do anything to be worthy of receiving care.”

To surrender to receiving just because we are worthy exactly as we are is one of the most powerful, loving, and generous things we can do for ourselves.

To give ourselves that opportunity is a form of giving a lot of us don't think about or notice.

I invite you to ask yourself, “What can I do to give more to myself this season?”

Because in my eyes, giving is receiving. And receiving is giving.

We are all worthy of that.

Define what is priceless to you.

I want to share a conversation I had this week with a soul friend of mine, Gaby of Joy Pursuit. We have been friends since 2014 and since then, we've never experienced “small talk” between us. We dove deep since Day One. 

I decided it was time for a proper catch up. My favorite time to catch up with friends is in the morning, when I am having my cup of coffee and hearing the birds singing outside my window. We started talking about our businesses, the journey of entrepreneurship, money, and our mental health.

We both shared how two years ago, we were making the most amount of money ever in our lives. We had an abundance of savings and were both traveling the world.

We also were exhausted, completely burnt out, working for companies where we were miserable at, and both struggling with our mental health. Panic attacks and PTSD episodes were the norm during that time in our lives.

I told her, “Gaby, since starting my businesses I make less and have less money. But I have more joy, more love, more time, more freedom, and most importantly, my f*cking sanity. Those things are priceless to me.”

She responded, “Yeah, sure, I have ”less money." But have more of everything else, too. So, I'm good with that."

I share this because we all want to make more money. But, at what cost? 

Sometimes, we do so to survive. We need to make money! We've got to eat, put a roof over our heads (and our families), and pay for our basic needs. There is no shame in using your current financial situation to do just that. It is okay to leverage where you are at, too. This is what I did to start My Gold Standard.

What got me through is reminding myself that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. That this compromise was one that is temporary.

So now, both Gaby and I are in places where we are making less money and have less money - but HOW we are making money is completely in alignment with our hearts.

We also both know that the money will come. 

And that it won't come at such a high cost. The cost of our wellbeing.

I invite you to reflect on what is priceless to you. 

Death, Grief, and Money.

I promise, this is a money love letter. But before I dive in, I want to give a trigger warning as this love letter will talk about grief and death.

The first time I realized that I needed to get my financial sh*t together is when my Dad unexpectedly passed away. I was 24 years old, living in NYC, and the only thing on my financial radar was to make rent on the 1st of every month.

When he died, I had many financial meetings with financial advisors, accountants, and government employees. The lack of empathy, patience, and kindness I received during the most excruciating time in my life was horrifying but also, enlightening.

It got me thinking that no one should ever have to go through any financial decision making alone and afraid when grieving.

When I started my work as a financial educator, a large majority of the clients I received had lost a parent and were terrified of making financial decisions with the money they inherited. Some would call this coincidence, but I certainly felt like it was meant to be.

I empathized because when I received my Dad's death benefit, I resisted making any decisions with his “death money" as I called it. It was all I had left of him. Every time I spent that money and saw it leave my bank account, it felt like he was disappearing too. Little by little.

I understood where they were coming from and I wanted to be the person I wish I had after my Dad died. I wanted someone to guide me on how to use this money in ways where I can honor myself and honor his life. I wanted someone to tell me to dream big and that I am capable of making smart decisions with this money. I wanted someone to show me all my options and the “how” in getting to my goals.

I wanted this because I really just wanted to grieve in peace, because when you are grieving on top of stressing about making the wrong financial choices? It is painful.

A very special client of mine, let's call her Allie, came to me for financial guidance about a year after her father died. She had a mountain of paperwork she didn't understand and was stressing about taxes, because yes, in a lot of cases your death benefit is taxed as income. She was overwhelmed to the point of tears, to which I assured her I will guide her through all the ins/outs of these decisions and that she is not alone. However, what I really wanted to know is how she wanted to honor this money now that she has it.

She told me she had two dreams: to take a sabbatical to travel the world and to buy a home. She wanted to have something she could see as a visible manifestation of his money.

So, I told her, “We are taking this money and we are buying this house.”

After Allie took her sabbatical, she made a lot of amazing life choices for herself. She moved out of New York City to return to the city she grew up in and to be closer to family. She left an unfulfilling relationship. She took a new higher paying job. Now, all that was left for her to do was to buy her dream home. Earlier this year, she did.

We hopped on a video chat as she couldn't wait to show me her entire home. She shares it with her Mother and her pup, just like she dreamed. We both teared up acknowledging that this was such a milestone for her, and she made it. She made it come true.

I can't even begin to describe the joy it is to see someone exactly where they want to be and to know that you played a role in guiding them there. I don't think there are words invented for that feeling. But my goodness, it is such a good feeling!

End of Life planning and even “After End of Life” planning requires so much empathy and patience. Losing a loved one to death is very traumatic and I have always said financial education and guidance absolutely needs to be trauma informed.

In the words of Joan Didion, “Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect the shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind."

These words have always held so much truth for me. Thankfully, I am seeing more and more spaces where financial education is trauma informed. While it is not nearly enough, it's more than what I had available in 2015 when my Dad passed away.

If you are grieving, feel free to share your story with me. I would love to hear from you and hold space.

For those that made it to the end of this money love letter, thank you for holding space with me.

All Debt Isn't Created Equal.

Full disclosure: I am in debt. I have been in/out of debt since my father unexpectedly passed in 2015. I got my first credit card when I was 18 and always managed to pay it off. The advice I received was from my Mom which was to “always pay a little bit more than the minimum.”

My partner at the time told me to NOT take her advice and to “always pay the statement balance in full” because there is a thing called interest, hello! So, I made sure to do just that.

Fast forward to 2015. When my father died, it was VERY unexpected. The way I handled my grief was essentially YOLOing off my Chase Sapphire travel credit card. I launched a business and I traveled my way into debt. I racked up $24,000 completely mortified with myself and felt paralyzed by the shame and guilt that came with a double digit balance like that.

I was 24 and didn't know anything about managing money. The only thing I knew was to save save save (thanks Mom) and that debt is bad. What I didn't know was that debt is NOT bad and that there are smart ways to go into debt, as long as you have a plan.

Yes, I said it. There are smart ways to go into debt.

Looking back now, I would have likely booked all my trips on a 0% APR card and paid off the monthly balance before interest kicked in. This is something I could have totally done as I had a stable income. I could have done the same with starting my business. Eventually I paid off the credit card with my Kickstarter money- but I could have pocketed so much more for myself if I had avoided interest.

But I didn't know, and I have a rule in my life that you can't beat yourself up for not knowing because, well, we don't know everything! There is so much pressure to be an encyclopedia PLUS an expert about all the things. I'm here to tell you that it's okay to not have it all figured out. I certainly didn't.

Now I am having a different relationship with debt. When I started my business I really needed to upgrade my working station. The total cost of this I knew would be around $3,000 and that was money I did not have.

But hello?! Stella! Remember the power of a 0% APR card?!

I did, but I was afraid I couldn't trust myself. I called my accountant asking if this was the best move for me and she said I had 30 days to purchase all of the stuff I needed in order to take advantage of the start up tax deduction that is ONLY available within the same year you start your business. Another thing I did not know!

This affirmed me because I knew my business was worth investing in. I didn't have $3,000 to use but I knew I could make the monthly payment work before the 0% APR period was up. So, I took the leap and went into debt again.

But this time? I feel at peace with it. I'm not immune to shame, guilt, fear, and anxiety- those feelings still come up from time to time. But i'm not drowning in it like I was before.

Funnily enough, my sweet wonderful accountant did my tax return and I got more than enough back to cover the $3,000 I invested in (yes, I am calling this debt an investment).

I have worked with so many clients that are drowning in shame and guilt from having debt. Unfortunately, our culture behind debt literally feeds that shame and guilt. I see articles putting debt on a moral pedestal or, debt has now been categorized in such binary terms such as good vs bad.

Context matters. There are thousands of reasons why people are in debt. Maybe you are coping with a heavy loss like I was. Maybe you are leveraging debt as an investment in your business or career. Maybe you were not taught the ins and outs of managing a credit card. Maybe you literally did not have any other choice than to go into debt to survive and put food on the table. Maybe it's a little bit of everything. This is why I say context matters.

I'm not saying that debt can't be an issue. It certainly can. What I am more interested in is the root of that issue, honoring and holding space for where you are now, and then transforming that shame and guilt into an actionable plan where you feel empowered by your finances.

Because I believe it is possible, for anyone on this planet. Believe it's possible for you, too.

Treat Yourself: A Thought On Emotional Spending

It's good to be back. Last Friday, I was feeling super overwhelmed and decided to take the day off to rest. Rest is such a beautiful thing that often times is taken for granted.

I was supposed to catch up with a beloved friend of mine this morning, but she reached out saying she wanted to reschedule to prioritize resting instead and I really loved everything about that. Communicating our needs and having those needs be celebrated by those you love and those that love you back? That is medicine.

Something that has been a topic of interest is the obsession people in the personal finance industry have with emotions and money, specifically, emotional spending.

“Curb your emotional spending.”

“Stop buying shit when you're in an emotional place.”

“Don't make emotional decisions when it comes to money.”

You can probably tell by now that I am not a fan of this and I will tell you why.

Our emotions tell us so much. It would be a shame to bypass our emotional experience when it comes to spending, making financial decisions, saving, investing, and even making money.

I think that when we are more in tune with our emotions that it will only benefit your financial wellbeing. Emotions should not be hierarchal. They all serve a purpose. Even the “negative” ones and yes, I put “negative” in quotes because who defines what's negative?

For example, I worked with a client who shopped. A lot. She made a relatively decent salary, but with her shopping habits, was in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. When she first came to me she said her goal was to get out of debt and stop buying shit she did not need.

I asked her why that was her goal. She took a long pause, confused by my question. She said, “Well, because debt is bad and I don't want to be bad with money.”

I helped reframe that with her and asked, “So your goal isn't to stop buying shit you don't need, nor is it really to get out of debt. Your goal is that you want to be ”good" with money. Let's figure out together what being “good” with money means to you."

She opened up to me about the anxiety and low self esteem she has been experiencing. She said that she wanted to make enough money to enjoy the things she loves such as travel and wellness. I asked her to make a list of things she loves spending money on, even if she thinks she didn't “need” it. Because who needs an $88 facial toner, really? The focus was on figuring out what she truly wants. To do that, you need to tune into your emotions.

Her list was fabulous. It included travel, house plants, really fancy single origin coffee, that $88 facial toner, organic food, going to the movies or a new restaurant with friends, wine, books, and yoga classes.

I told her to pull her last credit card statement and to mark the spends that were on her list with a ⭐and to mark the spends that were not on her list with an ❌. Then, I had her add up how many of each there were.

A majority of her spending was on things she ❌ did not ❌ want.

So, I told her, the issue isn't that she is buying things she doesn't need. The issue is that she is buying things she doesn't want. And, this was because she didn't feel like she deserved to have what she actually wanted.

She discovered she spent money on things she didn't even want so that she couldn't even afford to spend money on the things she ACTUALLY wanted.

Boom. That was her breakthrough.

Emotional spending is more nuanced than people in the financial wellness industry make it out to be. I don't want people to stop “emotional spending.”

I want people to know their emotions, the story behind them, and honor them when it comes to making, spending, and managing their money.

I hope this money lesson filled your cup up, even by a little bit. 💖

Is Money *Really* The Root Of All Evil?

Science says money does buy happiness. #moneyoptimism

Thank you for being in community, with me, here in this loving newsletter.

Today I meet you with uplifted spirits. It has been difficult to feel optimistic in a world like this.

There is so much suffering and it pains me. Since I moved to the Bay Area, a place where I experienced so much trauma, so much suffering, I have been exploring the relationship I have with suffering and how that relates to optimism.

Let us start with the definition of optimism.

op·ti·mism /ˈäptəˌmizəm/
noun

1. hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.

This definition does not entirely resonate with me, but it did spark my curiosity. In a world where toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing is the norm, optimism means something entirely different. To me, optimism is, in a way, synonymous with resilience. Here is my definition.

1. the courage to move through suffering, knowing that joy can coexist in the presence of that suffering. That all emotions, even anger, grief, pain, and sadness, serve a purpose and the belief that the purpose is to live a life of truth and joy.

Optimism is all about honoring all dimensions of the human experience.

I was listening to an episode of On Being, one of my favorite podcasts. The guest was Joe Henry, a Grammy award musician who is survived Stage IV cancer. Here is a quote he shared on the podcast that I live by every day:

“If you cut yourself off from great sorrow, you also cut yourself off from great joy.”

Ah, these words get me every time.

So, how does this all relate to money? I am sure you are wanting me to get to the point by now. A year ago, I was given an assignment in the Money Makers course I am in to create my “Elevated Identity.” In that, I wrote that I wanted to be a Money Optimist and become the expert at Money Optimism.

I am sure you have heard of the saying that money is the root of all evil. This comes from the Bible, specifically, Timothy 6:10.

Let me just gently and respectfully tell you that I believe this saying is a lie.

What people don't understand is that money is just a tool. Just like a hammer is a tool. And tools, can be, weaponized. I do not want to completely dismiss that money can be used as a weapon because it can. It has been used by people, by systems made up of those people, to inflict harm.

But money is not the problem. Money is NOT the root. The root lies deep within the individual(s). And I believe that lie has been fed to us all to believe that being abundant means that we are bad, that we are causing harm, and that by having money we are inherently evil.

And so, we carry so much shame around being abundant. By having money. I really want to change that narrative. More so, add a different narrative.

That money, could be, dare I say, the solution to all evil.

I encourage you to embrace these findings that support my Money Optimism philosophy.

• The Comparative Impact of Cash Transfers and a Psychotherapy Program on Psychological and Economic Well-being

• Higher minimum wages are linked to lower suicide rates

• Mind Over Money: How Optimism Connects To Financial Health

• Money As Medicine: A Dialogue with Edgar Villanuev‪a‬

  • Note: I do not entirely see eye to eye with Edgar's philosophy. Specifically, that capitalism is the problem. This is because if capitalism was the problem, then that would mean white supremacy and colonization would not be wreaking havoc in socialist economies. However, his philosophy behind Money As Medicine is beautiful to me and one that I take to heart.

Now, I take a deep breath and say thank you. I love being here with you all. I truly do.

It's Them, Not You: Salary Negotiation

I'm going to be honest here.  

But wait, before I do that…

Sigh. Much better. I just burned a little bit of my bayabas (guava leaves) lavender wrap and turned on the kettle for some tea time. Bayabas are a sacred plant in the Philippines and when burned, it cleanses negative energies from the environment.

I don't know about y'all, but the energy has been feeling ripe over here. I've been working on a salary negotiation course for QTBIPOC that I plan to launch on April 1st, the first day of Financial Literacy Month. When I see the words “salary negotiation” what comes to mind, always, is “know your worth."

Now here comes to honesty.

QTBIPOC individuals do know their worth. It is the rest of the world that does not.

This is why the empowerment pump up in most salary negotiation courses miss the point completely.

I had a very traumatic salary negotiation experience. The TL;DR is I was offered a promotion with the expectation to keep doing my other position. I saw this as an opportunity to negotiate. I followed the playbook, made my pitch, and felt incredibly confident and proud of myself for “knowing my worth.” A week of silence goes by, which I didn't think too much of. Silence is golden! This was written in the playbook. I was totally going to get this promotion and maybe not the salary, but more equity, or vacation days, a bonus!

What came next was not at all what I expected from a woman owned company. I was told that the promotion was put on “pause,” that I put a bad taste in the executive teams mouths, and that I came off ungrateful.

I smiled, said thank you for the feedback, and walked out the office to the bathroom.

I spent the next 10 minutes sobbing my eyeballs out wondering what I did wrong. Did I not say I was grateful enough? Should I have smiled more? Did I self sabotage? Should I apologize?

 I looked at myself in the mirror and gave myself this look that essentially said, “This is not you.” Because it wasn't me. It was them.

I shared my experience with many other women and QTBIPOC friends in my life. I was not the only one with that kind of experience.

“I'm tired of these salary negotiation workshops telling me to ‘know my worth’ when I have each and every time. They don't know anything about my experience as a queer woman of color,” a friend shared with me this week.

I checked the numbers, already knowing what I'd find. There is an insane racial pay gap, gender pay gap, and LGBTQ+ pay gap. Within these pay gaps are also opportunity gaps. QTBIPOC individuals are less likely to be promoted than their white colleagues.

The issue is clear: it's them, not you.

You didn't self sabotage. You were grateful. You ARE worth it. And never, ever apologize for being worth it. Because you are.

Salary negotiation, or even pricing your business, is not just about knowing your worth. 

It's about finding those that do. I promise. They are out there.

My homework assignment of the week is to write "20 Reasons Why I'm Worth This Much Money.” I'll admit, I had a meltdown about this yesterday. I had already thought through my own numbers only to be told I was still low balling myself by not one, or two, but THREE people.

I know my ancestors sent those three people to deliver this sweet nudge to me. Sheesh, I hear y'all.

So now I call upon you, to deliver that sweet nudge too. Write those 20 reasons for YOU. It will serve as a reminder that you do know you worth.

Now go find someone, a client, a company, and/or opportunity that does, too. 

Until next time.

⭐$tella